Paleopiphany, Sean Hedderich

When calling in sick, I tend to recite a litany of symptoms that sound like the side effects disclaimer from a drug commercial. But not if I’m actually sick sick. When that happens, I’m too feeble to go through the list, and I simply groan “I’m sick,” and hang up. I did this for about a week last summer. I ate almost nothing and took naps on the bathroom floor between pukings. My appetite didn’t fully return for another two weeks, so I lost fifteen pounds. After that, it was the challenge of putting weight back on that really showed me the pros and cons of a paleo-style diet.

For the uninitiated, the paleo diet excludes any food unavailable to paleolithic man, such as sugar, grains, dairy, and most oils. The diet comprises meat, seafood, vegetables, fruit, eggs, nuts, and seeds. Benefits may include stable insulin levels, improved health, and easy fat loss. Drawbacks include inconvenience, public ridicule, and it turns out, difficulty gaining weight.

I’m far from a pure paleo disciple. I think it’s great that ancestral nutrition is being studied, and as an easy to understand, off-the-shelf weight-loss “diet,” it’s darn good. But I fret that it may throw the baby out with the bathwater by removing foods for which individuals haven’t yet identified sensitivities. Those who are lactose tolerant, for example, should think twice before they jettison milk and Greek yogurt. And it’s safe to assume that 90 year olds eating pizza can handle gluten. But overall I think the diet has value, and contributes to the overall nutrition conversation.

Before taking ill, I had already been sorta following this template, partly to self-experiment. I was far from strict. I still hadn’t abandoned dairy, caffeine, alcohol, or the occasional dessert, nor do I plan to. (You’d be right to call my diet “primal” or “paleo-ish” as opposed to “paleo.”) I had observed better appetite control, energy levels, and gut health, but had difficulty gaining muscle. I’m no bodybuilder, but I try to avoid the Gandhi look.

Some of the success of this diet may derive from stable insulin levels, but this can limit mass gain. Insulin is an anabolic hormone. It triggers cell receptors to open the door for glucose and amino acids. High glycemic carbs (pasta, instant oatmeal, processed food) elevate insulin but are verboten on paleo.

As my appetite returned I tried to simply increase total calories but was reminded of how limited the diet can be. Meals are basically variations on veggies with animal protein, such as tomato and broccoli omelettes, roasted meat and asparagus, liver and onions, salads with chicken strips, whole yogurt with fruit, and hard boiled eggs with carrots.

My weight stayed stubbornly low. Poor me, I know. Textbook humble-bragging. “Darn, it’s so hard to gain weight eating all this steak!” Obviously, guilt-free weight gain would be fun. But it’s not like Renee Zellweger bulking up with ice cream to play Bridget Jones. I was trying to stay paleo-ish, which is wildly impractical. Preparing meals is time consuming. Eating out is difficult due to added oils and sugar. And selecting restaurants takes research because I have impossibly high standards for animal welfare. I basically believe animals I eat should be pampered to death. “This chicken died on the massage table? Okay, you may roast him.”

Once my energy returned, I slowly got back to training normally, which demanded even more calories. I kept trying to increase portions but there was only so much meat I could eat. It’s very filling, especially in a shrunken tummy. Starchy vegetables provided easy carbohydrate, but my busy schedule often meant little time for baking sweet potato fries. In fact, ultra-strict paleoistas even exclude tubers partly due to the preparation methods which would have been unavailable to cavemen. When these extremists start talking, I nervously smile and slowly back out of the room.

Instructions: 2 pounds of farmer’s market sweet potatoes. Slice, chop, or cut lengthwise. Mix in bowl with coconut oil or butter, salt, and spices. Bake at 400º for 30 min.

Only when I compromised and added back oatmeal and rice and drinking milk did I start to gain weight. And that’s when it really sunk in. That’s the whole bloody point! Oats, rice, and dairy aren’t paleo foods! It’s really hard to gain weight on paleo! Intellectually I had expected this, but I hadn’t really had my eureka moment.

Does this mean the diet works? Not necessarily. To succeed, a diet must be followed. Extreme restriction can lead to poor compliance. An individual might avoid grains for weeks then have a “fuck it” moment and eat a slice of pizza, followed by the rest of the pizza because he feels he already blew his diet, and then a weekend of “I’ll get back on track on Monday.” This individual would be better off indulging more frequently, in moderation, to help prevent binges.

Is it physically impossible to gain weight on the paleo diet? Of course not. This was an experiment with one data point (me) and was far from well designed. I didn’t snack like I should have. Had I maintained a full stock of berries and nuts I could have packed on more pounds. And again, I wasn’t regularly eating tubers. Frequent shakes with raw eggs, fruit, pumpkin puree, and coconut oil could have helped. And I neglected to follow my own advice and rarely had “feast days,” or “cheat meals.”

But now I can really see why girth was once a sign of wealth. A man with a monstrous midsection had suckers doing his hunting and gathering for him. It’s also evident why cows are fattened on grain, and why 100% grass fed beef is more expensive.

Steady insulin levels help prevent fat gain, but what if your occupation depends on increased body weight? A paleo offensive tackle will probably block about as well as a turnstile. Bodybuilders avoiding grains may have a hard time packing away enough glycogen to fill out their posing trunks. Are these folks forced to abandon the diet of their ancestors to add bulk? At the very least, they probably need to supplement it with modern additions. The same likely goes for feeding a growing family.

Just like our amylase gene, the mainstream versions of the diet have evolved. Variations like The Perfect Health Diet and Your Personal Paleo Code view it more as a starting point from which to then begin adding. By introducing “safe starches” like rice and oatmeal to pick up the caloric slack, compliance may be easier. Organic oats aren’t pure paleo, but they’re not Big Macs either.

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